


Out of the Rubble

by curekepralssyndrome (orphan_account)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Blood, Destruction Ending, F/M, Rysa Shepard, SO, Trigger warnings:, aaaand - Freeform, an au, and, and thane survives, because this is all my sad headcanon ramblings, but - Freeform, but do i give a shit?, for shepard, is filled with my head canons, may change - Freeform, might have plot holes, my main shepard, my shep, no, she is all sorts of FUCKED UP NOW, some gore maybe, soooo, the first fic, this is like, where KEPRALS SYNDROME DONT EXIST, where shep survives, with my shepard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 05:35:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7745275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/curekepralssyndrome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Thane survives, destruction ending, Shepard survives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thane

Thane stared at the news screen, picture after picture, the Reapers falling, the ash and smoke of the Crucible filling the sky. He pushed his omnitool into the kiosk, shifting in his seat as the bartender brought him another drink, letting the warmth cloud his mind slightly.

"Insane, huh?" The bartender commented, cleaning a glass and leaning on the counter, craning her head to watch the same screen Thane couldn't look away from.

"The Citadel gone, somehow defeating the Reapers, hell I thought they were a joke." She shook her head, Thane looking at her finally.

"Yes." He snapped, holding his tongue, his fist clenching on the bar top. Nobody would even know of Shepards sacrifice, the Council had refused any acknowledgement, the Alliance claiming it was the weight of the combined forces. Thane took a deep breath, pushing away an sliding out of his chair, the world spinning around him for a moment.

He stumbled through the flaring lights of Omega, the orange glow bathing everyone, the hum of the music pulsing through his feet. His senses felt overloaded as he held the wall for support, his footing becoming surer with each doorway he passed through. He willed himself to sober up, to focus, the sideways glances of Vorcha making his hand hover over the spot on his belt that held his pistol.

He shook his head, finally walking deliberately, letting the shadows cover him from view, the slight buzz of alcoholic bliss still fogging his mind in the best ways. He pushed through a small gathering, the disgruntled looks of refugees boring into his back. Omega had become fuller than usual, more and more pouring in each day. The war was over but there seemed endless supplies of victims.

He finally entered his temporary apartment, the door clicking loudly with the lock, the stale white light seeming to follow as he walked to the kitchen, grabbing another bottle from the otherwise bare cabinet. Yanking off the top, Thane gulped down the burning liquid, the aftertaste bitter, but the instant relief felt worth the discomfort. He wandered into the bedroom, pulling on the fold out bed, the sheet screwed up, the pillow falling to the floor. Thane rolled onto it, his back hitting the wall, his mouth finding the neck of the bottle once more.

"Siha..." He sighed, resisting the urge to remember once more. To remember the last time they spoke, just broken projections of one another, desperately clinging to the idea of winning in every way. He swallowed more, the bottle lighter, and Thane silently cursed himself for not buying more.

He pulled up more vids, watching as reporters walked through the rubble, masks covering their faces. He scrolled through the reports, the remains of the keepers found being carried away, corpses being sorted, piles upon piles, the reporter cried, watching as some of the medical staff struggled to piece the people already lost back together. Finally ending with shots of missing limbs, arms, legs, being placed in hazard bags. The gruesome nature of the vids did nothing to stir him, Thane felt himself slip, the memories of her seeming suddenly far more appealing. 

As he felt his eyelids droop, his eyes begging for rest, he heard the familiar sound of an alert. A message. He pulled it up, quirking a brow when Garrus's ID presented itself as the sender. He considered for a moment, sitting up on the bed, taking another sip, and settling the bottle on his lap. The subject line was left blank, sent a few minutes ago. Thane opened the mail, his eyes blinking at the sudden light.

 _'Hey Thane, it's Garrus. You should check this out, we're all heading back, the Normandy is docked at Omega.'_ The mail had attached a link, Thane felt his heart, the beat pulsing through his neck as hope and fear and confusion swarmed his half drunk brain.

It was another vid, new, and with restricted viewing access. Another news report, the Crucible rubble. Thane shrugged, nothing new. More horrific images to shock the civilian population into action, more propaganda for each species, all angling to make their sacrifices seem larger, their suffering a competition. He watched as the reporter began running, following a stream of volunteers and security, suddenly all circling a small dip in the rubble, someone ushering them the back up. Thane felt his heart drop when he saw the familiar insignia of N7, the camera shaking, the images a blur. The red stripe of her armour the most colorful thing in the vid, the reporter pointing and distracting some of the volunteers with her cries. He watched as more was pulled out, more shouting, until finally, with only a glimpse of her hand clutching onto the rescue workers, Thane was already off the bed, running out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

"Woah, slow down," Garrus was gripping his shoulder, waiting for Thane to stop moving, his pacing of the bridge unsettling the others, crew members giving him wary side glances.

"Has there been any more news?" Thane snapped, only pausing to give Garrus a pointed look, prompting the Turian to let his hand fall back to his side.

"No. Nothing since the vid." He sighed, watching Thane cautiously.

" _Fuck_." Thane cursed, restless. If there was even a slight chance that it was _her_ , he had to be there. He should have been there. 

"Just try to calm down. Everyone got here as fast as they could." Garrus leaned back on the railing, Thanes eyes running over the familiar orange glow of the holographic Normandy, trying to ignore the sympathetic bead of the Turians eyes. 

"Yes. I'll be in the Life Support." He answered, grateful for Garrus's nod of acknowledgement, and for the brief moments of movement.

Walking briskly into the elevator, he only had to focus on getting to the room, his room. Thane didn't want to contemplate his Siha lying in the rubble, alone. Couldn't think of her waking up, without him there. He took a deep breath, stepping into the elevator, pressing the button, closing his eyes for the few seconds it took to go to the level below. It all looked the same, mostly. Some crew members gone, new faces to ignore, staring when he exited and immediately rounded the corner, bumping into Samara.

"Thane." She smiled, gently, and he nodded in response, his silence regarded as arrogant by others was recognized as respect by the Justicar.

"How are you doing?" She asked after a silent few moments, Thanes eyes moving between her, and the door of the room.

"I am... okay, thank you." He attempted to convince, bowing his head ever so slightly.

"How is your son? Kolyat?" Samara asked, her voice level, almost emotionless, but Thane could see how her eyes searched his.

"He's doing well, spending time with the priests currently." He smiled at the memory, how Kolyat would say the prayers, how he quoted scripture. 

"How is your own?" He questioned, somehow feeling obligation to finish the conversation, however awkward.

"I haven't seen her in several months. Her messages are less frequent. I worry." She sighed, avoiding his eyes, staring at her hands, wringing them.

"I'm sorry." He shifted, nervously, as she smiled back.

"I am lucky. Thane, Shepard was an anchor to all of us-" Samara placed a hand on his shoulder, stepping to the side, -"but you can't let this storm sweep you away. Regardless of the outcome, Shepard will want to see you as you were." He kept his face blank, only muttering a thanks and nodding, moving to the door of the Life Support. He let out a sigh of relief when the door closed behind him.

Stepping further into the small room he felt himself relax, everything as he had left it. It felt like years, his cup still empty and sitting in the middle of the table, his chair still askew. The lights gave off a warm glow, the hum of the Normandy loudest near the window. He sat down, taking it in, trying to center himself when memories of Shepard began flooding in. The first time she asked if he had time to talk, the first time he had called her Siha to her face, despite the fact he had been doing it shortly after meeting her. Even his bunk still lay folded up, tucked into the corner.

He tapped his fingers against the table restlessly, anxious for the Normandy to move. He heard the chatter of the crew members, just outside the door. Some excited, most apprehensive. He wasn't sure himself what he wanted to find when they got there, of course, he wanted to see Shepard, dead or alive. He wasn't sure how he would feel with the two possibilities. He slammed his hand onto the table, the sound reverberating off the walls, hollow. He sighed. He opened his omni tool, clicking onto Garrus's link once more.

Again, the rubble, the dirt, the air filled with floating dust and debri. The reporter, he now noticed was bleeding, the blue glow of her visor hiding the red streak across her left cheek. Most of the volunteers, he realized, where injured, or in some state of fatigue. Most likely desperately searching for loved ones. He swiped his finger along, fast forwarding a few seconds to the moment people began converging on the one spot. 

He watched once more as the camera lens zoomed, refocusing itself, the image blurry for one too many seconds. Thanes heart raced, a Turian with red markings gesturing, humans running towards him, one already lifting an omni tool, two more carrying over a med bay stretcher, angling it towards were another rescue worker was moving large plates of metal. He held his breath, anticipating the vids end, a hand clutching onto the worker, the workers own face lax with shock.

Thane scrolled through the news updates, more dead, more bodies found, no reports of survivors. He couldn't help the way his foot tapped, leg bumping into the table. He had just made the decision when there was a knock on the door, and then the door opening. 

"Do you need something?" He asked, not looking, giving his best attempt of looking composed and calm, rather than the nervous wreck he felt like.

"Joker asked me to come see you before we leave." EDI's voice threw Thane off, turning in his chair to crane his head in her direction. Last he had seen of her, she had been on the floor of the cockpit, Joker holding her, tears streaming down his face silently.

"EDI." He stated, not a question. Her head twitched, her smile lopsided, and as Thane looked closer, her eyes had dark rings, singe marks.

"Yes. After the destruction of the R-Reapers, I was severely damaged. I am still undergoing constant repairs." Her voice rose and fell unevenly, breaking sadly. 

"You can tell Joker to hurry." He answered, turning back to the window, watching the blue lights flicker.

"Jeff asked me to come see y-you before we...-" She paused, walking closer, placing a hand on his shoulder, "-before we leave." She finished, and Thane took her hand, standing.

"Yes, EDI, you've said." He cautiously answered, searching her eyes for some recognition. She just stared, her eyes going from his own, and then to his hand holding hers.

"Jeff. He asked me..." She paused, her eyes creasing ever so slightly, Thane counting the cracks in the metal of her shoulders, the blue of her eyes flickering.

"EDI, it's okay." He tried to touch her shoulder, but she pulled away, snatching her hand from his, skewering him with a look of shock. 

"Who are you? W-Where i-is Jeff?" She exclaimed, her eyes looking him up and down.

"It's okay, EDI, lets go to Jeff." Thane gently prompted, gesturing for her to follow.


	3. Shepard

_LOG DATE: 11/3/2187_  
_NAME: Shepard, Rysa_  
_RANK: Commander_

I'm not special. Nobody is. I just survived, like a roach. They said I can't send messages yet, not until rehab is finished, until I'm ready, but they're making me keep this log. Want me to keep track of my progress, my mental well being. "Mental well being." I rolled my eyes at that, she didn't appreciate the sarcasm. She said that I was lucky, said I was stronger than the few other survivors. Most of them still scream at night.

I'm not special, or important. I wasn't even top of my class in the Alliance training camps, I can hold my own in a fight, but I'm not the war hero everyone thinks. Ask Garrus, Wrex, anyone, I wasn't extraordinary. I cried, I cried out, for hours, under all the dirt, the metal plating of what had once been a wall crushing my chest. I had sobbed, terrified of dying all over again, alone cold, I couldn't feel my feet, my hands. I miss them. Everyone. 

I'm not special, moments are special, the moments that make up our lives, and then there's just a handful that are _actually_ special, and important. I just happened to be there, I happened to be the sole survivor, the one they picked to be a spectre candidate. I didn't even want to, but I hadn't much of a choice. I just happened to be the one who took down Saren, and I happened to fight this war. It could have just as easily have been Kaiden, or Ashley, or anyone. 

I miss Thane. It's been months, since I made that decision, made the choice of destruction, laying in the dirt for days. I was sure that I was dead, that I had gone to hell, that the darkness and pain were my punishment. I want to send him something, but the Council, says I can't, they restrict my access. I want to hear his voice, that strange grated melody, anything he says sounds like a poem, or some famous quote I should know.

This is my first entry, two days since they found me, stuck in this base. I can see the Citadel from my window, still in pieces, still filled with volunteers and scavengers. I need to get out.

_Shepard, out._


	4. Shepard

_LOG DATE: 14/3/2187_  
_NAME: Shepard, Rysa_  
_RANK: Commander_

I can't sleep, again. My eyes sting, my head hurts, but I can't sleep without waking in a cold sweat, screaming, and she's there. I don't think she left, after the last one. I haven't checked, but there's a spot in the crack of my door where the light is blocked, and I think she's sitting there. I'm still grateful that Tali is here, the only familiar thing in this place. Though most don't trust her, a Quarian that refused to leave the wreckage, most figured she was waiting for her chance to loot the dead.

It's the height. My room, it's on the fourth floor, and looking out the small window makes my stomach lurch. I haven't even stayed in a building for a decade, star ships were my home. The Normandy was my home. And now, I'm not floating, weightless in space with an arsenal and crew at my disposal, no ejector pods, no safety nets. Now I'm in a building of metal and stone and corners in dark rooms and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I stand in the shower, I hold the tiny bottle, the bottle of travel sized shampoo that they gave me. Well, Tali gave it to me, looking around anxiously before pulling it out of the cloth folds of her suit. I don't get it, why we have this, any normal bottle you can take on a starship, so why do I need travel sized? I guess anything anyone will lay down credits for has to exist. Showering is strange, what's left of my hair is the softest it's ever been, since they expect me to shower every night. Even a few of my scars faded, with all the lotions and ointments they give me, but I still don't have the heart to erase the big ones. The ones that have been with me since the beginning. They're ugly, but they're _mine_.

And Thane, I can't help but wonder if you're okay, if you're with Kolyat, if you're still trying to make amends... or have you killed again? I can't stand the thought of you going into that battle sleep you talked about. Are you working, do you miss me, or did you prepare yourself for this? When I called you, just before the mission, standing in what was left of London... I was sure that would be the last time we talked. You were still so... composed, your arms behind your back. You told me how much you loved me, told me you would be there soon, that you would be waiting for me. When you called me Siha, I wanted to turn back, but I just smiled and said I'd be back soon.

It's so strange here, looking at the stars from below. We, as a species, talk about the stars more than I would have assumed. You would think that we would have lost interest, but nope, there's still so much we romanticize about the void and our place in it. The trees can block out the sky in the view from my window, which is strange, isn't it? That those objects that in comparison, are so fragile and small, can block something so infinite. Or maybe I'm losing it. When I lay in bed I can feel the cold, I can hear the sounds of the Normandy breaking, and when I open my eyes I still find my hands scratching at my back, searching for the air compression switch on my suit.

I don't know what I'm going to do, Tali is here, she's made it clear she isn't leaving without me. I begged her not to tell anyone. I trust her, and she understands, that I don't want them to see me like this.

_Shepard, Out._


	5. Thane

"Hey Thane, old buddy, how's it going?" Joker greeted, craning his head from the screens, before slowly swiveling his chair around.

"It is good to see you." Thane agreed, letting go of EDIs hand, though his other still hovered protectively, worried she would collapse again, a dent still obvious in her thigh.

"Ah, don't lie, oh easy EDI-" Jeff struggled to stand, turning EDIs seat for her and holding her hands as she sat down, her eyes that had been glazed over before searching Jokers face for something.

"-Yeah, things are tough for everyone." Joker sighed, smiling at Thane, gesturing for him to follow just outside the doors of the cockpit. He leaned back, watching EDI as the doors closed behind them, his voice lowering, tone sobering.

"Sorry, I thought she was doing better... I wanted to see if she'd remember you." He sighed, wringing his hands nervously.

"I understand Jeff, she is not herself." Thane stated, wanting to inquire more, but not willing to invest himself too much.

"No, yeah, she hasn't really... _been_ here since..." He trailed off, looking at his feet, planted firmly on the ground.

"When do we leave?" Thane asked, increasingly impatient, crossing his hands behind his back and shifting slightly, giving Joker a pointed look.

"Oh, uh, soon, have a few more to pick up... Mordin, Ash, Legion, Grunt, Wrex," He began listing, counting them off on his fingers.

"How long?" Thane snapped, a small pang of guilt resonating with Jokers hurt look, his impatience getting the better of him.

"Not sure, Tali hasn't responded to any comms, first stop is Tuchanka though, Mordin, Grunt , Wrex, they're all out there." He summarized, lifting his cap to brush back his hair, pulling it down quickly.

"Odd..." Thane mused, the image of the small scientist Salarian, and ill mannered Krogan, somehow co-existing was a humorous thought.

"Tell me about it," Jeff laughed, rolling his eyes, shifting uneasily.

"Look, I gotta get us moving, keep an eye on EDI, if you need to talk, just buzz?" Jeff finally babbled, turning to leave, Thane nodding silently pursing his lips and turning to leave.

Thane felt useless, idle for too long, his hands flexing. He walked slowly to the elevator, dragging out each action. Standing in the elevator, ship above with the bustling of new crew, old crew, Traynor giving him a courtesy nod before the doors closed. He felt deflated, his shoulders sagging, his eyes falling closed for a few moments, before taking a deep breath and praying silently to all his Gods that she was safe, that he would be there soon. He pressed the highest button, the one that would have taken him the her before, his heart racing.

 _"Fist slams the table, she comes to me, fingers cool and soothing, voice small, 'Thane, be alive with me tonight.'"_ He shook the memory away, his voice betraying him, resisting the urge to let his fist hit the wall. The door opened with a familiar ding, and he took another breath, attempting to stay in the here and now, the memories of the earlier times too alluring.

The door was locked, a red holographic symbol projecting itself when Thane approached the door. He rolled his eyes, sighing as he spent a minute decoding it, a simple bypass of the right line of code, and it clicked open. He stepped in, ignoring the small rush of memories, instinctively checking the tank. Fish littered the very top of the tank, bobbing sadly in the stale water, the tank still producing that comforting blue glow. He shook his head, disappointing at the waste of life, before typing in the clearing mechanism in the small control pad.

"Shepard..." He breathed the name, half expecting her to call back, or to walk out of the small shower, or to roll out from beneath the beds crisp white sheets.

He stepped down to the bed, hand running over the cold sheets, eyes falling to the thin layer of dust that covered the side table. He sat on the bed, the room imposing, empty, silent. Slightly worse than how the life support made him feel, but the memories slightly comforting. He lay back on the bed, the scents still lingering, unable to place exactly what they were.


	6. Shepard

_LOG DATE: 16/4/2187_  
_NAME: Shepard, Rysa_  
 _RANK: Commander_

It's still so cold here, I'm sure this is the longest I've ever spent in layers of shirts and hoodies, rather than armour and bodysuits. The other night, they let me go for a walk, supervised, Tali, and one of the nurses came with me. Tali made small talk, she's good at that, rambling to fill a silence, maybe she's used to it on the Floatilla. The nurse stayed a few paces behind us, scowling at the inconvenience, and I stared at the sky, enjoying the head ache that came with the cold air.

Tali asked me if I was okay, if I was sleeping better, I deflected the question, shuffling nervously. She sighed, and I felt guilty. She should be on her home world, she should be rebuilding and settling and getting everything she'd worked so hard for - but instead, she had me, and I wanted to tell her she could go. It was so dark, I couldn't see into the treeline, just dark silhouettes, stars, the sky breaking into different shades of blue and black and purple.

I asked Tali if she wanted to stay, I told her that I'd be okay. "A few more weeks, and I'll be out." I lied, Tali turned, staring at me before answering. I don't think either of us want to acknowledge the truth, that I'm not getting out. She said she needed to stay, that she owed me, and that I was family to her now. It made me feel sick, and happy, and guilty all over again. I said thanks, gave her a rough playful push on the shoulder, ignoring the eye rolls from the chaperone.

I asked why I can't leave, I'm physically as good as I get, my scars healed, my bones creaky but functional, and the nurse says they can't let me out until they are sure I have no violent tendencies that could endanger the public. "With what you went through, Commander, the council needs to be sure you aren't a threat, that you're-" and she always pauses, looking me in the eyes, narrowing her own, pushing away whatever past time she'd been playing with "mentally stable."

I've seen people try to leave. It's simple really, you can easily walk up to the desk, sign yourself out. But it's filled with forms, with questions, and it's tedious. They wait, they watch, and people can snap, they yell or punch something, they display the 'violent tendencies'. You don't see them after that, there's a whole other wing, just for 'solitary confinement'. Of course, this leads to more violence. Tali keeps me out of trouble, steering me away if I get triggered, sitting outside my room, waking me up if my dreams are... bad.

After all the fighting, the politics, the Reapers, I swear, bureaucracy is what will kill me.

_Shepard, out._


	7. Thane

"Relax." Garrus demanded, one clawed hand gripping the supports of the Kodiak. Thane paused in his pacing to face him.

"I will when we get there." He snapped, casting his eyes downwards, chest tightening, the urge to cough rising in his throat.

"Did you talk to her before she..." Garrus trailed off, the awkward silence stretching, the shuttle shaking, Cortez cursing under his breath.

"Yes. I told her I'd be there when she got back, I was only a few minutes away." Thane half mumbled, mostly to himself, playing it over in his head, keeping himself in the present while the image of her holographic form threatened to drag him back.

"How long Cortez?" Wrex called out, Thane blinking away the memories and listening to the pilots reply.

"About twenty minutes!" He yelled, struggling with the controls, Wrex shifting restlessly.

"It might be a fake, she wouldn't have just-" Garrus tried to comfort Thane, awkwardly, before the Drell interrupted.

"I should have been there, I should have stayed. I should have helped her, I should have told her to stop." Thane ranted, his fist colliding with metal before he'd realized he moved.

"Oh, stop your whining, you think she would've listened?" Wrex growled, narrowing his eyes at Garrus, and then Thane, both considering his words.

"No. Shepard was reckless, optimistic, she knew that the Reapers had to be stopped." Mordin chimed in, not looking up from his omni tool, humming to himself.

"No." Thane concluded, Garrus agreeing silently.

"No. She would have gone anyway, she _went_ knowing exactly what it meant." Wrex nearly yelled, raising his voice just enough to be heard over the sound of the drop hitting something, hard.

"But... what if she doesn't want to see me? What if she's alive and she _chose_ to stay quiet?" Thane stared at the ground, resisting the urge to shed tears or collapse under the weight of all the possibilities running through his mind. He admitted to himself that he hoped they were picking up a body, that he wouldn't have to explain himself, that he wouldn't have to relive the grief, that he could say goodbye to the Siha he loved once more and try to move on.

"We wont know till we get there," Garrus placed a hand on his shoulder, shaking it roughly as a sign of support, Wrex rolling his eyes.

"Which should be soon, yes, Cortez?" Mordin smiled, finally looking up, Garrus rolling his eyes.

"Well?" Wrex stood, craning into the cockpit awkwardly, his lips curling into a smile when Cortez jumped in surprise.

"Almost there, requesting permission to land, you can probably get a visual." He snapped, pointedly ignoring the Krogan when he huffed and stomped back, kneeling next to the door impatiently.

Thane let go of the railing, advancing on the same side, planting his hand above the window and finding his center before looking. The wreck made his breath still, ships everywhere, Alliance, a few Cerberus, the Citadel strewn across the horizon. There was so much, too much thought Thane, the Citadel unfolded a scattered, like a puzzle, all the pieces oddly shaped and solitary. The stars cast shadows, illuminating the station that had been established, their destination. Thane took a few deep breaths, before hearing Cortez yell again.

"This is Cortez, Normandy, requesting permission to land, over." He faked a cheery tone, polite, obviously trying to calm his breathing. Thane half wished he was on the other shuttle, Vega a more confident pilot, Cortez still shaken and out of practice.

Thane began to pace again, slower, his heart beating against his chest heavily. He ignored the irritated glance from Wrex, the rolling of the Turians eyes, the static and reply from the Alliance and Cortez yelling something. His hands shook, he closed his eyes, bracing himself against the window as the shuttle lurched. He took three breaths, sending silent prayers to anyone that may listen.

"We're going in." He heard the radio buzz, Vega confirming his own position, him and Cortez making a quip about one another's piloting skills. 

Thane meditated, remembering and pushing distractions to the back of his mind, focusing on regaining control. He folded his hands, resisting the urge to hold them at his sides and form fists. He felt his shoulders relax, stumbling slightly when the Kodiak came to a stop. Garrus advanced on the cockpit, him and Cortez speaking in hushed and rushed tones, Cortez nodding.

"We're good, there's a party waiting for us at the station, don't assume friendlies." Garrus briefed at the door lifted open, Thane grateful to be off the small vessel.

Wrex grunted as he jumped off first, stretching his legs, hand caressing his rifle as he waited. Garrus spoke into his comms, telling the others that they had landed already. Thane came to stand next to him, following his gaze to the other shuttle as it landed close by, ignoring the small group of humans that were advancing too quickly for Thane to feel any reassurance. They arrived before the others joined them, three soldiers training their guns, an Asari commando staring them down. Mordin hopped off the shuttle, fiddling with his pistol, narrowing his eyes at the small welcoming party.

"What is this?" Wrex grunted, Jack, Samara, Miranda, Vega, Grunt, joining them. Jack pushed forward, her hands glowing as she grinned, eyeing each of the soldiers.

"Who do I squash first?" She chuckled, already toying with the energy in her hands, one of the riflemen faltering slightly, looking to his comrades for orders.

"That's _my_ line." The Asari spat, the blue hue spreading over her hands, her arms. Samara moved forward, giving Garrus a pointed look, his sigh breaking the tension.

"Wait!" Jack faltered slightly, the Asari turning as well, the shout claiming everyone's attention.

"Tali?" Garrus exclaimed, narrowing his gaze as the Quarian pushed passed the Asari and humans, standing between them, breathing heavily.

"What the fuck?" Jack growled, crossing her arms, looking her up and down, chewing in her bottom lip.

"They're good, they're with me." She breathed, her mask echoing the heaviness in her voice, the Asari rolling her eyes.

"The council won't like this." The commando spat out, before gesturing for the riflemen to cease, throwing Jack a dirty look before leaving.

"Kheela." Tali sighed, head falling forward into her hands, turning to face the group. The silence was deafening, everyone staring at Tali, and she looking to and from each of them.

"Well, its been a while." Garrus finally jibed, Grunt humphing a laugh, everyone shifting uncomfortably.

"Yes, I... I have no excuse. I'm sorry-" She began, the words stale, old, rehearsed, like she'd expected this.

"Is she here?" Thane broke in, stepping towards her slowly.

"Yes." Tali stated, nodding, looking to the ground, nervously holding her elbow with one hand.

"Where?" He choked out, his chest tight, his breath trapped in his throat.

"What's happening here?" Miranda broke in, narrowing her eyes, wandering away, passing Tali and taking in the site.

"Why are there Cerberus ships? What are they doing? Anything worth salvaging has been scavenged by now." She mused to herself mostly, running a hand through her hair.

" _Where is Shepard_?" Thane rose his voice, staring Tali down as she looked from him, to Garrus, and avoided their gazes again, stuttering.

"Sh-she made me promise, I took care of her, I'm sorry, please, just leave." She sputtered, backing away from them all, Thane taking a step toward her with every she took back.


	8. Shepard

"Siha?" Shepard felt her hair stand on the back of her neck, spinning around on her bed, looking for the source of the voice she knew all too well.

"I suppose communications for someone of my reputation would be restricted." She stared at the datapad, still warm to the touch, screen too bright against the darkness. She sighed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, the sound of his voice somehow soothing. She had been forgetting more and more, unable to recall when exactly she had begun playing over his old video messages again.

"The irony is, I am a danger to no one these days. I am even paying taxes on my investments." She smiled, picking the pad off of the bed, and carrying it with her to the chair on the other side of the room, putting it down carefully before taking a sip from the tea she had left at her desk.

"I can't expect Kolyat to do so if I don't." His lips turned up slightly at the mention of his son. He talked more about Kolyat, how he had turned his life around, gotten a job, and Shepard wondered how he felt about Thane now. She imagined he wasn't as bitter as before, that he'd warmed to Thane. It was hard not to.

As the vid ended, and the screen went dark, Shepard found herself alone in the dim light of her room once more. She contemplated watching the last vid again, her heart hurting at the thought of listening to his words again. She scrolled up and down the small list of contents from her old email, all the things she'd managed to convince Tali to recover, the blinking notification light bugging her again. An email from Thane, sent the day after the Citadel, when she had been buried under the wreckage still. She couldn't bring herself to open it, thumb laying over it, the subject line blank, just his fake name displayed as the sender.

She bit at the loose skin on her lip, relishing the small sting of pain, a distraction. She didn't want to hear about his attacks, couldn't bear the thought of seeing him choke. She left the email, staring at the last vid, the one that had made butterflies in her stomach the first time, the confirmation of his feelings momentarily erasing the thought of his death. She clicked play on the fourth vid, taking a deep breath, rocking back into her chair slowly as it began, mouthing the words as he said them.

"Siha, I have prepared emails, sent videos, even composed paper letters, I know this will not reach you, but it must be said." Shepard held her breath, opening her eyes to stare into his, still so alive, as if he was looking at her.

"I once had no reason to live, then suddenly I had two. You and Kolyat." Shepard wiped away the tear the fell down her cheek, smiling, her lips set in a tight curve. She cursed how the words made her so happy, how selfish she was to thank whatever gods there were that he was as in love as her. Even as he remembered so vividly their first night together, how she had quietly told him to be alive with her, she was envious, lucky to even remember what shade his skin had turned with the tears that fell from his eyes. 

"I cannot forget you, that is what humans say. With us it is a state called 'tu-firah'. Lost in another." Shepard bit her nail, trying to remember the curve of his fist as it had hit the table, or even the movement of his lips on hers, and savored the small moment she was able to recall.

"It can consume us. In case you are in the same pain, I want to say..." Shepard closed her eyes, her hand tapping out an impatient beat on the desk, his pause seeming to last forever.

"You have only made my life better. You gave me _you_ , Kolyat, even the Omega 4 relay made me feel... purposeful." They were such simple words, ones that she longed to reciprocate, Shepards tears falling freely, staring at what were the last few images she'd see of him.

"We are alive Siha, and when we are not, I _will_ meet you across the sea." The way he'd said it, like a promise, Shepard slammed her fist into the table.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, wiping her running nose on her sleeve, pressing the datapad, going back through her files, re-reading old emails.

"Commander?" A knock at the door pulled her attention, quickly wiping off her face, sure that her eyes were puffy, sighing in exhaustion.

"Yeah?" She called, unwilling to move, staring at the unread email for the billionth time. She told herself it couldn't be anything worse, that nothing could hurt as much as not being able to see him again. The door creaked open, the nurse tutting at the sight of the barely lit room, clothes scattered over the floor. She began picking them up, folding them and placing them on the only neat thing in the room, the bed, barely slept in.

"What are you doing?" She chirped, looking over her shoulder, scowling at the sight of her old files, Shepard too slow to hide them.

"This isn't good for you Rysa! We restricted your access for a reason." She chastised, reaching for the datapad. Shepard pushed it away, turning to stand, pushing her back.

"I'm fine. I was just looking at some old vids." She snapped, staring down the short portly woman, her hair frizzy and her eyes lined with darkness. 

"If it was that Drell again-" She began, picking up another shirt, folding it and throwing it haphazardly onto the bed.

"You'll mind your own business." Shepard warned, pushing the small pile of clothes she'd created back onto the floor in a mound, sitting on the too soft bed.

"Rysa, really, you need to accept-" She began again, about to recite the mantra Shepard had come to remember as much as the pledge she had taken in her N7 cadet days.

"What? That I'm more or less dead? That he's dead? That he left me, that I'm not with him?" Shepard began, her breathing rapid, clutching onto the sheets, twisting them in her fist.

"Don't call me Rysa. I am Commander Shepard, and believe me, I _have_ accepted it. This-" She gestured to the room, to herself -"is my reality." She spat the last words, the nurse backing out of the room, sighing deeply, as if Shepard had somehow disappointed her.

"Of course, Commander, call if you need anything." She smiled, closing the door softly, Shepard staring at it for a few minutes, focusing on holding the tears back.

She _chose_ destruction. She chose to take that chance, that she'd get to see him. Shepard hopped off the bed, pacing the room, rubbing her shoulder, craning her neck to try and relieve the small pang of pain that had started there. She opened her omni tool, sending a message to Tali, asking her to come visit. She hated her reliance on the familiar voice of the Quarian, she reminded herself that Tali had new responsibilities. 

She sat at the desk once more, pulling the datapad close, onto her knees, giving the blink of the notification light her full attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo like i know i said this au thing OR WHATVER IM WRITING he's totally not sick and fine, but im changing it so thane was sick, but got better (like during ME3) through science because science is amazing and always on the siDE OF GOOD
> 
> like she thinks thane is most likely dead, and doesnt know he got a lung transplant/treatment or somme shit (dont look at me do i look like carlos the perfect ass scientist? NO? then i dont know shit)
> 
> dont ask me to iron out details im as confused as you are


	9. Thane

"I'm sorry." Tali sighed, the filter of her voice doing nothing to mask the quiver underneath her words, Thane ignoring her, staring where everyone else was staring.

"What is this?" Jack chewed out, pressing a hand against the glass window, her mouth contorting into her usual angry scowl, Thane considering the resemblance it had to the facility she had spent her childhood within.

"It's the only way they could-" She began, wringing her hands, before a nurse stopped her, wiping sweat from her brow and addressing the large party of odd visitors.

"This is a Cerberus facility, which I'm sure you all know, has been suffering some..." She paused, tucking a lock of frizzy hair behind her ear, "restructuring." She seemed confident in her wording, trying to draw eyes away from the room.

"When we found Shepard, the Commander, she was barely alive, hardly together." She continued, condescendingly, as if a parent suffering the ordeal of having to explain mortality, or life.

"What are you saying?" Vega huffed, still turning his pistol over in his hands, the itch to fight for resolution all too apparent.

"It means we had little choice. Her body could be repaired, of course, but she was buried for hours, sustained multiple head injuries. Even if her memory were still completely in tact-" She rambled, her gestures circular, her eyes darting from where Thane continued to stare, and to the two Krogan that were giving her less than reassuring glares.

"The trauma may be too much. I must admit, this seems like the best alternative." Mordin chirped, eyes already roaming the room, settling on the back of Shepards head as he continued, taking over from the nurse.

"Some sort of VR if I'm not mistaken? Simulating something more... pleasant? Let her live relatively peacefully while you gauge her mental state and attempt to give her some sort of therapeutic treatment?" He rambled as usual, but nobody stopped him, even the nurse pursing her lips and nodding.

"So she's dreaming?" Samara asked, Thane feeling her eyes on his slouching shoulders.

"That seems an over simplification, but yes." The nurse nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"You've had her in a comma for months?" Jack growled, her hands balling into fists as she stared at Shepard, before looking to the nurse with blue fury in her eyes.

"Not exactly. Mr Krios, can we talk in... private?" She backed away, opening a door, gesturing for him to follow. He watched his Siha for a moment longer, more broken than ever, before nodding.

"Please, remain calm everyone." He asked, surprised at his own level voice, folding his arms behind him as he followed the Cerberus nurse through to another hallway. It was identical to all the others they'd been led through, still stinking of disinfectant, the artificial lighting casting ugly shadows over the nurses sheen covered face.

"I understand you and the Commander were... close." She paused only slightly, shuffling where she stood.

"We are." He corrected, tilting his head slightly, his fingers twitching with the urge to take up his weapons and deal with the situation as Vega would. Shoot first and ask questions later.

"Yes, well, to be blunt, I'd considered asking for your help before you arrived." She sighed, and Thane frowned at her.

"What is wrong?" He asked, a lump forming in his throat, already picturing Shepard in a body bag, grateful for the imposing memory of her sleeping figure in the chair.

"See, how it works is, simply, we replay the same day simulated, and we slowly try to accustom her to her situation. If it doesn't work, she can suffer a breakdown, so we wipe the day out, and just start it again. The only variable is in the people she sees, and we can... feed others, into the simulation. Myself and Tali are the only ones she hasn't completely rejected." She rambled, her voice getting higher as she went, pushing back hair that fell from behind her ear.

"And our new boss, she wants her back, thinks she can convince her to help Cerberus rebuild or something. Not important." She waved off Thanes skeptical scowl, returning to her small venting session.

"But Shepard just _won't wake up_ at least, not on her own, when she did, she lost it, had to be sedated." She bit her nail, already uneven and small from days of chewing.

"I don't understand, what can I do?" He questioned, ignoring how her story made him grind his teeth, staring her down, waiting for her to meet his eyes.

"We want you to go in, we can walk you through it, but basically, we're running out of options. If we can't get her to wake up on her own then we can't afford to keep supporting her." She snapped.

"I assumed Cerberus had been liquidated." He mused, blinking his eyes carefully, watching her as she shook her head.

"Like I said, it doesn't matter, I'm assuming you'll say yes." She smirked, the dark circles under her eyes momentarily creasing with the self satisfied grin.

"Correct." He nodded, letting his face set into the usual stoic lines, attempting to betray less of his anger.

"But that posse you brought? They have to leave. I can't have them interfering." She demanded, already heading back towards the door, Thane nodding silently. They all turned to them when they re-entered the room, faces blinking at Thane for some direction, even Garrus shuffling nervously.

"It's time to leave." Thane choked out, his composure slipping slightly, Samara placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Fuck that." Wrex stomped his foot, crossing his arms and baring his teeth to the assassin.

"We just got here, and she's here! We can't just leave her in the hands of Cerberus." Miranda piped up, pushing past the two Krogan and clenching her fists.

"For once we agree." Jack quipped, giving her the side eye before joining her in furrowing her brow at Thane.

"It's just too... crowded. Right now. Just go back to the Normandy, I'll be in touch." Thane snapped, already finding the confrontation tedious, itching to find a way into the room with Shepard. Samara gave him one of her righteous stares, as if weighing the sins of his soul, somehow understanding and moving to take charge.

"If Thane say it best we leave, we must trust him. Now." She ordered, her voice not raising but still able to shush everyone and their concerns. They grumbled protests, but slowly began filing out, Samara giving Thane a pointed cocked brow, before following. Leaving just Thane, the nameless nurse, and Tali, who had chosen the more safe position across the small observation room.

"I am not angry Tali." Thane offered, attempting his best smile, his lips curling awkwardly with the effort.

"Yeah. Sure." Her voice was a shrill bird song of sarcasm, but she joined him anyway, as the nurse led them both through the door to the hallway once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you ever just wanna fUCKING DIE?? CUZ I DO!!! anyway i feel bad about not updating enough but then im like WHO ACTUALLY CARES NOTHING IS REAL TIME IS A CONCEPT i just have a lot of feelings okay.


	10. Chapter 10

Shepard closed her eyes, her room was too warm, almost humid. She pulled her hair into the elastic on her wrist, loose from the days of constant use. Or weeks, Shepard had forgotten, she tried not to dwell on the thought, the lost time. She opened the door a slight crack, light of the hall cutting into the darkness of her room, eyes scanning the hall for a sign of Tali. 

"Fuck." She sighed, fanning herself with her hand, mind racing through the reasons for her absence, and then reminding herself she shouldn't expect her to be there. After a few minutes, there was a knock on her door. Shepard paused before answering, it was too fast to be Tali, and not forceful enough to be her nurse. She bit her lip, hand twisting it slowly, not even realizing she had taken a deep breath and held it.

"Shepard." He looked over his shoulder for a second, before actually facing her, expectantly waiting to be let in. She let out her breath, and she could have sworn she meant to say something, anything, but it just came out as a rush of air, shaking her head.

"Shepard?" She took a step back, closing her eyes, attempting to ignore him and steady her breathing.

"N-no. No, no, I can't be doing this again, not again." She put her head in her hands, sitting on the bed, willing whatever hallucination she'd created to go away.

"Siha," She felt a hand on her shoulder, she could feel her pulse in her clenched fists fingertips, a mixture of hope and fear rising in the back of her throat.

"Siha, please, look at me." She opened her eyes, finally looking into the dark ones she thought she'd forgotten.

"I warned you we would meet again," He smiled sadly, tentatively taking her hand in his, and lifting it to his lips.

"I'm sorry," Shepard squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop herself from crying, her attempt at pulling away thwarted by a gentle hand on her cheek.

"No, I'm sorry, Siha. I wasn't fast enough, I wanted to join you..." He trailed off, both unwilling to remember that day. How it had all changed in a matter of hours, the possibilities suddenly destroyed like the reapers.

"How, how are you here?" She finally regained some semblance of composure, placing her hand over his, frowning in confusion.

"It's complicated, things have changed Shepard." He shook his head sadly, he turned quickly closing the door, before sitting on the bed with his hands clasped.

"I can't tell you everything, it was part of the bargain, I... I had to see you." Shepard crossed her arms, unsure whether to make some argument, or accept the small blessing.

He was here. Another anchor to her old life, to what she'd worried was a dream. He was really there, staring at her with his big dark eyes, as if she were the brightest light he'd seen, like her words were gospel. She sighed, rubbing the spot on her temple where it throbbed with a dull pain. He was even wearing the same leathers, the same holster, the same pistol. She noted the last one, unsure how he could have gotten into a hospital with a weapon, even someone as skilled as Thane.

"Okay... Now what?" She ask, deciding to drop it for the time being, too tired from the heat and boredom to slip into interrogation mode. She sat down next to him, leaning into him, resting her head on his shoulder.


	11. Thane

Thane brushes her hair, and he isn't sure how long it's been, but he smiles at how soft it is. He had arrived a few hours ago. He closed his eyes, gently tugging when a parting tugged against him, what was left of her brown hair didn't fall like before. Before it was long and strong, sleek and dark, like her. But now, it fell just short of her shoulders, uneven and choppy, the part just above her ear on the left shaved, clearly to make the stitches easier. Looking at it, Thane thinks anyone would assume it's coarseness, but it's not.

She was humming, singing along to a song that played softly. It sounded like summer from her lips despite the fact it was autumn. He could just feel her pulse, as his hand graced the back of her neck, it was too fast. He can feel her singing voice, thrumming in her throat. He hadn't felt it settle since he got there. He resisted the constant urge to remember, in full detail how she _had_ been. He had to learn, to commit, to how she had changed. Even in the slight ways. 

How she tapped her fingers on the bed spread, uneasy, where she had once been sure of herself. How every now and then, her gaze would fall on the door, or the small window, like something was waiting. She smells different, he decides. Like shampoo, and conditioner, and perfume, Thane thinks that all the smells, are so chemical. He remembers Tali, and that she must have got them from her, after a few seconds, he decides that, on her, they're warm and human. 

Her hair falls through his fingers, and there's a feeling growing in the pit of Thanes stomach. With each passing note of her song, he feels it grow, and it gets darker, and he feels himself slip a little. Into the memory of their first night together, before the Collector base. He isn't fast enough, to curse himself out of the memory, instead finding himself standing and his heart racing with the confessions he'd spilled that night. 

_Thane, be alive with me tonight._

Thane knows this moment won't last forever, and attempts to focus, to remember as much as possible for when he needs a memory like this. It's something he will examine, that will eventually cause him trouble, just like all the other memories he once committed to. But they're also something that has brought him friends, family, the moments he begs himself to use, to override all the dark ones. He leans down, and kisses her shoulder, gently, and slowly, her pulse slowing too. He thinks that this is the safest, and most comfortable, he's felt in years, will feel. She places a hand over his, and the song ends. 

"How cruel." Thane hums, Shepard standing abruptly, muttering something about therapy, not hearing, or, ignoring what he'd said.

"Thane, I-I'm happy you're here, believe me..." She trails off, and Shepard can't remember a time his Siha had been so flustered or unsure of herself.

"But... I didn't want you to see me, not like," She gestured to the rest of her, scar running down her cheek, bruises spotting whatever flesh wasn't covered by the bland patient uniform. It didn't suit her, the color is all wrong, and Thane has to pull himself to her eyes and answer her before he falls into the memory of her in that one dress that one time.

"Siha, you're recovering. I want to be here for you, I know I can't do much, my skills are limited to the less nurturing-" He stood, cautiously taking her hand in his, "-but you can't do this alone, not this."

She avoided his eyes, before finally nodding and smiling, though the light not reaching her eyes. Not quite.

"So, what's been happening? They don't tell me anything in here." She sighed, letting him pull her back to the bed.

"Not much has changed. More refugees, though everyone seems united. It's as if defeating the Reapers has everyone realizing we share the universe." Thane chuckled, running his thumb over her bruise wrist. He wondered how humans could be so soft, so fragile, and yet he loved the strongest of them. She nodded, not surprised.

"What about me? Don't tell me you all got sappy, I don't want to hear about some dramatic funeral." She rolled her eyes, and Thane considered it. 

"We did. There were many tears, we missed you dearly Siha. Tali didn't attend, but I guess we know why now." Thane regretted how it came out, short and curse, like he was envious.

"I'm sorry." She repeated, quietly, picking at the embroidery on the bedspread with the hand not holding his.

"No. It's not your fault, I'm sorry. It was a beautiful service, Mordin found some wonderful photos of you. It was akin to a party, really. The eulogy was the only funeral aspect." Thane explained, Shepard listening quietly, pausing before asking another question.

"Eulogy?" She had a mischievous smile, pulling her legs onto the bed, and cuddling up closer to Thane.

"I was unsure of human customs, but Ashley informed me of them." He avoided her gaze, Shepard demanding his attention with a slow kiss on the cheek.

"I want to hear it too, I feel I need to approve of this now." She pouted, and Thane smiled at the familiar banter, and he nodded, letting himself fall back to the memory of one of the worst days of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imma try and update at least every week, i mean, I will TRY
> 
> been working on this for ages, wanted to try a new style but idk :/
> 
> plz dont critisize me but also i wanna not be shit


	12. Eulogy.

Thane disliked the memory. The stream marks on Ashleys face from crying, the way EDI wouldn't look at him, that if she could cry, she would have. Instead she had stayed with Joker, frowning at him when he made a quip or joke. The way everyone had looked at him expectantly when he stood, swallowing the rest of his drink. They hadn't expected a eulogy. Thane felt it was too hollow, the way they had all came out of some strange sense of duty, yet refused to acknowledge the person they were all there for. Though he chuckled at how that was truly what Shepard would have enjoyed. He imagined how she would have talked everyone into talking to each other somehow.

_"We didn't spend much time together, in the grand scheme of things, small moments stolen here and there. Most of you know how I feel about her. She was a good person, not perfect. She lost her temper easily, she cursed too much for someone so beautiful. She was a beautiful, perfect, fractured person. I feel indentured, like she's paying me to stay here and wait, but in memories that come and go. When they're here - she's here."_

They were all staring now, Grunt rolling his eyes, Wrex shoving him and giving him a stern look, to be respectful, or at least to pretend. Samara nodding knowingly, however her eyes were clear, no tears threatening to cloud her vision. Jack sat on the floor, in the corner, scowling like Thane had insulted her, but he figured that was probably to cover how upset she was, her rough hands slowly and gently stroking her Varren that slept next to her.

_"They're like time capsules, those times I go back, I can see, feel, I can reconsider it in every way but I can't change it. Her smile, small and cautious, when she held my hand. I come back to them again and again. The scrunch of her nose when she burned her food, nearly every time Sergeant Gardner wasn't there. I'll try to warn her, to tell her it isn't worth it, that she doesn't need to save everyone. If I'm not too careful I'll get lost in her."_

He hated how they seemed to pity him, the blurred faces of their friends, her family. Mordin was typing away on a data pad, already working on new projects. Thane wished he had the same mentality, that he could compartmentalize and process, rather than having a memory that assaulted him every chance it got. Garrus took another drink, challenging Vega to an arm wrestle and being declined.

_"She's tied me to her, and I did it gladly, grateful to be near her. She didn't do it cruelly, with the things I know. Not religion, or duty, or anger. She did it kindly, with love and acceptance, and strength I could not have."_

He finished, stumbling back and sitting, taking a few breaths before searching for another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see??? I UPDATE SOMETIMES

**Author's Note:**

> Might change the title later, this will probably be a longer fic. Each chapter switching between Shepard and Thanes POV ^^ kill me
> 
> idk might not continue this i was just bored an procrastinating and ill


End file.
